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My first “serious” boyfriend taught me a lot- a few choice phrases in Japanese, an appreciation for Asian foods, RIFTS, and the love of some really good music. Queensryche. Alice Cooper. Metallica (yes, I really was that sheltered back then). I’m pretty sure he took me to my first R rated movie (again with the sheltered), turned me on to some good books, and lots of other useful and life-shaping things. Unfortunately, he’s also the one I get to credit with “fear,” “self-loathing,” and “body-image issues.” Would those things have come around eventually? Probably. Actually, I’m sure of it- but a girl never forgets the first guy who tells her she’s too fat, so he gets the credit. And then there was that whole “falling out of a window” thing and that whole “my dad has a shotgun” thing and “2 weeks in a hospital and you’ll never have kids” and…. well, let’s just say that some memories never get as blurry as you’d like. People can change, but you’ll never convince me that he did.

I know he’s local. While it isn’t something I want to brag about, when I happened to be in a position in my Shire that published my phone number, he called that number wanting information about our chapter. I don’t think he recognized my voice (nor would he recognize the last name I go by now), but I recognized his. And yes- I intentionally gave him bad information, and he never showed at a meeting. Sue me- I’m human.

So what is this all about? There’s a concert. It is one that I would have really loved to have tickets for. Some of my favorite bands whose songs recall some of my most important memories… and I’m not even going to try to go. Not just because “I have other things to do”, which I do, but because he might be there. Going was never an option.

I’m fine with missing a show. I’m ok with having other things that are more important than seeing Queensryche and Warrant live- things like spending the weekend with my friends and my guy and still having my hearing at the end of the weekend. I’m even ok with having somebody out there who I strongly wish to never, ever see again. But I know deep down that even if I was sitting at home this weekend, I wouldn’t go because I wouldn’t want to risk having a good time and running into that part of my past, and that really pisses me off.

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