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I’m faced with two choices:  Own up to the truth or phone in a lie.

I am choosing the former- but it’s hard.

Soooo, that quote that I posted for the quote challenge this week:  At first glance, it seemed perfect.  See, I am an adoring fan of Miss Manners.  I know that sometimes I can be irreverent and uncouth- certainly.  I don’t always do the ‘proper’ thing, often choosing instead the thing that needs doing more or even just catches my fancy.  I’m lazy, even when I have a nagging sense of duty that is clearly reminding me that I oughtn’t be.  I do not make my bed every single morning (though I do try to) and I eat in front of the TV or while reading and I am a far, far cry from being anybody that Judith Martin would invite over for tea.  Now, it just so happens that if she did invite me, I’d know what to do with the spoon and how to indicate that no more tea should be poured.  I have the ability to be a proper, fine, classy lady- but in reality, I haven’t the drive or determination and most days, I don’t even have the desire.  All that said, it doesn’t change the fact that I still adore etiquette, propriety, and people who understand the purpose of all the damn forks.  I do have a deep love for such niceties, and I consider it all to be valuable knowledge- it’s just knowledge that I’m going to store away for another day, thanks, because today, I’m just too busy to be classy.  And yes, I am aware that my mentality greatly defies the whole idea of a proper society but so be it. 

I’m finding my reaction to this quote to be similar to my reaction to all of the other knowledge Ms. Martin espouses, unfortunately.  I have tried to write on the topics of modesty and humility as they pertain to me- delicate flower of Southern femininity that I am- and it’s just not working, because, you see, this week I have been far too busy to be engaged in that mindset.  After that failed, I tried instead to approach the quote with a nice broad brush and make generalizations that didn’t necessarily pertain to me, but that didn’t work either.  Even though it wasn’t the case, it came off as though I were talking trash about other people, and insincerely at that, and I don’t want to be that girl.  Even if I’m not proper, I am nice, dammit.  So, that ship was abandoned sometime on Wednesday, and since then I have been wracking my brain trying to think of a way to address the quote in a manner that would be in the proper spirit… and it hasn’t worked.  I kept the draft I’d been working on but now Friday is almost over, and I just can’t publish it.  It might be decent writing, but I know at my core that it is insincere, and I’d rather post a truthful dissapointment than a believable lie.

So, to all one of you who has participated thus far- thank you.  I appreciate your ability to rise to a challenge that I set that I found myself incapable of meeting.  If anybody else should chime in, I would read it with delight and adoration and probably a touch of envy, but I’m not sure many of us are feelin’ it, so maybe that’s not meant to be, and I certainly can’t judge anybody for not playing when I’m not playing myself.

I didn’t forget about it being my job to post a quote today… I just hadn’t done it quite yet.  And I had this whole OTHER thing that I was going to write on but I axed it about 10 paragraphs in, so that took time.  Anyhow- here you go.  Have fun.
“It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.”

– Judith Martin (also known as Miss Manners) 

I tag Kat again.

There are no good songs for 31.

29 had a great song- “29″ by the Gin Blossoms.  30 had a pretty good song, even if “My Next 30 Years” is galaxies away from being autobiographical for me at the moment… it was still a good song.  I wasn’t trepidatious about turning 30, not like I am about 31… but really, I doubt songs have anything to do with that.  Sabine says that I missed the angst that 30 brings everybody else and it’s catching up to me now, but then Sabine also said something about me wearing fairy wings so we’re just going to say that Sabine doesn’t get to weigh in on this one.

Actual text-message conversation excerpt:

“I am not a fairy.  I’m a high-maintenance, needy, whiny bitch.”
“Except on your birthday.  You have wings and I have a brick.”

That girl should write for Hallmark, I swear (and gee, couldn’t she have at least argued with me even a tiny little bit?).

ANYHOW- I’m starting to think that since 31 is squarely in “grown-up” territory, there’s not any wisdom left for birthdays until I’m in danger of a mid-life crisis… and I’m holding my breath that that waits for another 10 years or more to kick in, because right now I really can’t afford a sports car, plastic surgery, or a trophy husband.  This doesn’t set well with me, though, because I do so adore every occasion, every landmark, every turning point having a “thing” to go with it… and that brick just isn’t going to cut it.  Well, it might (ya’ll do know the story about the brick, right?  If you don’t, you should get Sabine to tell you), but I’m hoping that turning another year older has more good than bad, and doesn’t start with a concussion.  That’s never too much to ask for, is it?

So, anyway…. instead of turning to the conventional, I’m going to turn to the absurd.  I think that some of my biggest flaws, characteristically speaking, is that I sometimes take things a touch too seriously, a bit too literally, and “relaxing” isn’t something that I do all that well unless it’s on a schedule.  I could also use a bit more common sense, I think, because even though I’ve gotten MUCH better at spotting a bad idea coming, and knowing what will happen if I take the bad idea- I often still find myself choosing what I know to be the worst possible option, even if it’s just to see if I’m right.  All of these parts of me, my thinking process, my reactions, my actions, well, they could use some adjustment in a positive direction.  I think if I keep that in mind, this next year will end up with a few less tears and a little less confusion, and how could that possibly be a bad thing?

“Never put a sock in a toaster.”
Eddie Izzard

Yep.  Those are gonna be my words to live by this year (thanks for providing them, Sara).  I figure, it’s a win-win… the logic behind it is sound, and if I can absorb some of it, then that’s great, and what I ought to be shooting for.  And if not?  Well… chances are, I won’t actually put a sock in a toaster anytime soon, so I suppose I’m setting myself up for success regardless.

Cormac gives us this quote this week:

“Sometimes it’s better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness” Terry Pratchet

I’m not taking the quote literally - of course- because we all know that if I had a flamethrower, then dark or not, I’d be finding every possible reason to employ it’s use.  I like fire.  I like raw primal explosions of energy.  I like s’mores- and a flamethrower could do beautiful things to a marshmallow Peep.  So we’ll get that out of the way by saying “if it’s a real flamethrower, it is always better to use the flamethrower” and get on to the philosophicalness.This is a topic that I could say a great deal about (more than I should, really) because it is reminding me of a situation going on in my world that… well, it applies.  It applies, but it isn’t my story to tell or even to hint at, though, so instead I’m going to try very hard to phrase myself in broad generalizations.  So- bear with me if it feels clunky.  This isn’t going to come out exactly like I’d like it to, but I’m trying.

The awareness that “Holyshit, ya’ll, this ain’t right” is a tough thing to deal with yourself… and it’s harder to watch when somebody else, somebody you care about, is in a void of enlightenment, just realizing that something about their life or situation needs attention.  That’s just heartbreaking, but it’s an important part of the process of fixing.  The realization requires shock time and adjustment time and then reaction time- and in my world, it’s one of those adjustments that does require time, if you can give it.  Time gives perspective.

Perhaps you’re in the dark and you know it, because you’ve been there for awhile.  There’s an answer you’re looking for that can fix you.  It might be something you have within yourself, or it might be something that somebody else holds, but there’s not much more frustrating than knowing that some piece, if only you could find it, could get you out of the proverbial darkness and on with ‘it’- whatever it is.  That’s usually, for me, anyway, the point at which I’m willing to think outside of my comfortable confines of what I hold to be true in order to accept whatever it is I’m going to find- or somebody else is going to give me.  You find the answer- or even a hint as to what the answer might be, and you’re more open to it, more accepting of it, possibly willing to adjust your perceptions to take it.  You are ready for the illumination because it is time to receive it… but I think that timing is quite important here.  When you’re not even aware that you’re missing something, it’s really hard to bend your will towards being receptive.

I think my train of thought here is indicating that ultimately, Pratchet is right- sometimes the flamethrower is the way to go, but you’ve got to be ready to receive what it brings before you can really benefit from it.  Otherwise you’ve just got blinding light and more confusion than you started with, and it’s scary and counterproductive and shocking.

I’m not in a bad mood, necessarily, but I’m not really in a great one, either.  I’m feeling quiet and mumbly, so you get a bit of introspection from me but not too much sharing.  Cool? Cool.

• I AM: feeling a little bit disconnected today.
• I WANT: to not have this funky hitch going on in my back.  It’s been there for 4 days.
• I HAVE: a lot to be thankful for.
• I WISH: that I could relocate the important people to a closer zip code
• I HATE: Nothing today, nobody today.
• I HEAR: Music, a coworker on the phone.
• I SEARCH: For my keys, for peace, for a good recipe, for the right shoes.
• I WONDER: What’s going to happen next?
• I REGRET: I don’t. Anything worth regretting is worth chalking up as a lesson.
• I LOVE: My friends, more these days than ever.
• I MISS: my mom, Beth, Socrates.
• I ALWAYS: will go along with a prank.  It’s my achilles heel.
• I AM NOT: a doormat. I’m just terribly accommodating.
• I DANCE: Every chance I can get away with.  I just don’t like doing it alone.
• I SING: anytime I think you’re not listening.
• I CRY: like a man (that is, I hide when I do it).
• I WIN: at Facebook, according to Sara and Katherine.
• I MISPLACE: Keys, sunglasses, thoughts.
• I NEED: To have more tolerance and compassion.
• I WOULD: do just about anything once.
• I SHOULD: get ice cream after work.

My father has been in town.  That’s all the explanation you need.

Sooo…. I have a swirl of things going on in my mind today, but none of them really have a thing to do with anything else.  Let’s see how this works out…

Sabine and I have Valentine’s Day plans (entirely dependent upon her getting out of Dallas, of course).  We’re going to work on projects, including but not limited to Girls’ Night Out plans.  We’re going to play with clothes and she’s going to make me fix things.  We’re going to go see Valentine’s Day with James, and she’s going to make about 19 comments about how it’s not awkward, but it’s going to be because it really isn’t awkward and that’s surprising, and not because it IS awkward and we’re trying to pretend it isn’t.  Seriously.  We have got “not awkward” down to a science.
Oh, and pho.  Did I tell her (or him) that we’re going to have pho?  I may need to do that.

So anyway- yes, Valentine’s Day.  Personally, I like the holiday, so you’re not going to get a rant about how it’s a “fake” holiday created by the greeting card industry here.  I think that any occasion to show love and affection and possibly, you know, get somebody some action, is a good occasion.  I’ve had a blast this week helping my partnered friends figure out what to do for their other halves (my suggestion for Becca was by far the best).  I love chocolate hearts filled with peanut butter and I love people making fools of themselves so really, what’s not to love for me?  But… some people don’t love it, and that’s ok, too.

One of the blogs I read has a great piece up that I want to share, and while I shared it privately with some of my girls- I think it deserves to be linked.  I’m just going to call it my little Valentine’s Day gift to my friends who read me here, and hope that they take a little bit of something positive from it.

So, whether you like it or not, Happy Valentine’s Day.  And if you absolutely freaking despise the holiday, you can still rejoice, for marshmallow Peeps will be available on Monday, and then we can make s’mores with the blowtorch and you can make little screaming PEEP! noises… and that’ll be so much better.
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Tomorrow, Saturday, is Beth’s birthday.  Last year I went to Minden with flowers and a cupcake and it was good because it was nice and green and there was clover blooming everywhere.  Right now it is dreary and icy and wet and nasty, and I’m halfway torn between going out with balloons and flowers and cupcakes and trying to “make it cheerful” or just doing a quiet observance at home and not torturing myself with physically going to the cemetery.  I think I’m leaning towards the latter.  Tomorrow is also the yoga studio’s Open House and they’re going to have classes running constantly from 1:00 til 5:30.  Hm.  There’s a thought.
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I leave for Gulf Wars on March 12.  Today is February 12.  HOLY CRAP.  I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to be panicking, but I haven’t quite gotten there yet.  I’ve started making lists.  I know where my tent is and all of it’s pieces and parts and I know… crap, I need to work on the poles, so that needs to happen once the snow goes away and I can get into the shed and find the miter saw.  Okay, so I need a weekend of “camp prep” which is going to be totally different than everything ELSE prep, but I can do this.   I’ve started altering clothing and it is going well, but I’m also cognizant of the fact that I need to stay this EXACT weight for a month for that to work out well for me, and also that I won’t be able to take most of these things in any more after this point.  It’s going to be time to start over from scratch… and I kind of hate that.  A lot.

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So, I ordered a bolt of silk for banners from Dharma (previous bolt 100% depleted).  In reviewing my order history, I saw that this was the 4th 50 yard bolt I’ve ordered since we started painting silk.  While some of the things we’ve done have been on silk not off of bolts (wider, or the experiments with scarves and different cut yardages, etc), that means that at the very least, something like 150 yards of banners have been painted by James and/or I.  That’s a lot of banners.  I’m kind of proud of that.  I’m also being a slacker about the 15 or so yards that need to be done by… you guessed it, March 12.

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Can’t get through a solid week on Facebook without sex, shivs, or yeti coming up, usually on a Friday, on my wall somewhere.  Today so far, we’ve got sex and yeti covered (and what may have been a mistaken reference to sex with a yeti, but that was clarified quickly).  God, I love being predictable.

Kat’s contribution to the Quote Challenge this week:

“Experience teaches us that silence terrifies people the most.” ~ Bob Dylan

Kneejerk reaction:  “Oooo….Really?”

I love silence.  I especially love companionable silence as a group activity.  Being able to cozy down in quiet with people, or just a person, that you trust well enough to be able to be silent with is a beautiful thing.  It demonstrates that you’re comfortable.  You have nothing to prove or justify or do, you can just ‘be’.  To me, companionable silence is an indication that walls are down, egos are off, and something close to perfection is being achieved- yes, I love some silence.

I also have no issue with my own silence, especially if something is on my mind.  While I usually have music on, I am also perfectly fine rattling around within my own thoughts and not having “background noise.”  I can drive without radio or phone to keep my mind busy.  I often walk my dog and intentionally leave the phone on silent and the MP3 player on the table and try to listen to the sounds of whatever is going on around me, whether it’s ducks or dogs or the good ol’ boy down the road who only owns Hank Williams Jr’s Greatest Hits and sings along while he plays his 6 string.  Maybe that’s not “silence,” exactly, but it’s not an intentional listening, either, with a particular sound in mind.  Lao Tzu said “Silence is a source of great strength” and Mother Theresa said “God is the friend of silence” and I think that when it comes to this particular topic, I find myself more inclined to align with them.

I’m not a natural performer.  I can force myself to be a performer, of course, but it doesn’t come easy, and part of the required process for me to do that involves an intentional disconnect- I don’t let myself think about what other people think, because if I did, I’d probably not make it through whatever ‘thing’ it was I was doing that was under public scrutiny in the first place.  Sooo, unfortunately, Dylan and I aren’t able to reconcile on this one, even though I have spent a good bit of time this week contemplating how to shift my view to accommodate the challenge.  I guess that’s half the point, right?

Personally, I can’t wait to see what Kat does with this.  I think it’s probably going to be fantastic, since she IS all in the public eye and probably clicks with the point more than I did.

Things that do NOT suck:

• OS sent me some photos that made me feel really good about myself.  No, YOU can’t see them… but I can, and I love them.

• My father’s health is concerning me, but at least he’s here where I can keep an eye on it closely.

• It isn’t snowing, at least not yet.

• My boss gives the best hugs on the planet.

• Latitude has put Sabine and I both back where we belong.

• Speaking of Sabine- she’ll be here Saturday!

• Dayton Waters: T-10 days and counting.

• I figured out how to re-fit at least 4 of my cotehardies, and a few that I’m just not up to messing with have found a new home with Evil Sara’s new Sara (we shall call her Peeps).

• LOST is still just as strange as it was last season - but with it being the last season, it’ll either wrap up or it won’t but the strangeness has an end in sight.

• Girls’ Night Out is in 33 days…er, nights.

So far today….

• I turned off my alarm and went back to sleep and did not take go on my morning walk, which I do feel guilty about.

• I’ve gotten highly annoyed with my boss, whom I normally love greatly (and I still do- I just do not LIKE him much right now)

• A cyst ruptured (it happens, don’t be worried- it just hurts like a bitch)

• I’ve been informed by my father that I have dinner plans with people I’d rather not dine with

• I turned my ankle while tripping over air

• Sabine is giving me her migraine

• I bought a skinny cafe mocha hoping the caffeine would help- and nothing makes you feel like a fraud like a skinny freakin’ mocha

• The caffeine is not helping

• A friend told me what my custom ring-tone in his phone was.  I think I’m bothered by it.

• I totally skipped my weigh-in and I don’t feel guilty, but I will tomorrow

• Facebook is on crack, or alternatively, has achieved a state of zen that I am incapable of contemplating, but either way, all I see is MafiaFarmCafeWars and no updates without holding my nose right and invoking water elementals

• Google Latitude thinks that Sabine is in Quebec and I’m in Natchitoches, neither of which appears to be the case, meaning that nobody ought to try to stalk us, at least, not today.

• I would much rather be in Natchitoches.  Or Quebec.